You know, even when you KNOW something, to actually find out it's been said out loud hurts. I'm speaking about the Beast, of course. Today he told Chewlee that he hated me and he wasn't kidding.
First of all, I was horrified that he would say that to her. She's a child and she loves me, of that I am certain. Here's what happened.
The Beast said the other day that he wanted to start making up a weekly menu again. It's been years since we did that but, hey, I was willing. He said we needed to start eating healthier. That means more veggies and even salads at times. I had found a couple recipes for different ways to prepare spaghetti (with a cheesy sauce) and a pot pie that you use crescent roll dough for the crust. I found another recipe for a tuna salad that was different (using pasta and an olive oil and red wine vinegar dressing).
I don't know about you but I DO get tired of the same things, made the same way time-after -time. After I made up the menu for the next eight days (it included meatloaf and mashed potatoes...YUM!), I went over the new recipes and wrote down the ingredients that we didn't have on hand. When I went to the store, I bought only the things on my list with the exception of five items. One was a pumpkin pie from the bakery and another was some chopped steaks for an additional meal.
When I got home and we started bringing in the groceries and unpacking them, the Beast unpacked a few things he had no idea why I bought them and he hit the roof, calling me incompetent to shop for groceries...we were just two people and half of what I bought we would end up throwing out, etc., etc.
Now, as you know, my son Mustachio is coming to visit. He isn't coming on Monday, however, I just found out. More than likely, it will be Wednesday or Thursday before he shows up. My son is 5'10" or 5'11" tall (I forget for sure which it is), weighs in at 180+ lbs and its mostly muscle from the very physical work he does nowadays. Some of which includes hauling around 20ft extension ladders. Needless-to-say, he eats a LOT. You have to in order to maintain that muscle and for the energy needed to work as hard and as many hours as he does. My meals were planned with that in mind.
BUT...back to the Beast. He didn't even want to listen to what I had to say. He just went on and on about how stupid I was and how recklessly I was spending money. This is from the man that spends an average of $50-60 a DAY and most of it is on crap food. Sweets. Donuts. Candy. I spent $178. for what will be more than a week's worth of groceries and includes a couple (I admit it) kind of exotic recipes. There WILL be leftovers on a couple items (my meatloaf for one) but it won't go to waste. I also promised Mustachio some split pea soup and none of that will go to waste.
I bought some frozen vegetables to add to our diet over canned vegetables. I have two pints of cherry tomatoes. One is for the tuna salad recipe, the other is for my regular salads. I like them better than cut up tomatoes in my salad. Even the Beast does. I admit that I will have green onions left over from three of the recipes I am planning on making but I love using them in many things I make. I'm just not about to buy them and let them rot in the crisper. Know what I mean?
I have never seen the Beast so hateful. No, I take that back. I have. It's just been a long time and I think it's more because I am becoming more and more mobile and doing more things that used to fall mostly on his shoulders. Instead of being grateful, he's apparently threatened by it. That's why he's calling me such ugly names. He thinks if he calls me stupid, dumb, etc. often enough, I will start to believe it. LOL! That will NEVER happen. I'm wise to that shit.
The Beast has always been concerned about what other people think of him. To the point that he has become a clothes horse for church and whenever he is with the people from it. He obsesses over what Chewlee wears there and how she behaves. He's embarrassed and upset that I will NOT go with him. It's primarily because regardless of how many times he attends, it has NOT touched his heart. His behavior with me is ugly and non-Christian. I know the only reason he goes is because he is so afraid of dying. AND...as he said more than once....what IF there IS a God? Well, buddy, I have never doubted there is a God and you will have to answer for the way you treated me, the things you did to me AND the way you treated your own children. You do not have a good heart. Period.
It's a sad state of affairs, don't you think? I'm living in a house without love. It makes me grateful for Chewlee, whom I know loves me. My son, Mustachio, assures me that HE loves me, too. My youngest son, Marcus Aurelius, always tells me he loves me. I consider that a good start even if they don't buy me Mother's Day gifts, birthday gifts or Christmas presents. I'm used to that. The Princess and Tara are good about such things and I know for sure that Tara loves me. The Princess may not give me the hugs like Tara but I think I can count her among those that love me.
Now don't think this is going to upset me enough to derail me. It DOES hurt to know for SURE that he doesn't love me so there's no hope to heal this relationship. I will just have to wait for him to die before I can really be happy. Awful thought, isn't it?
Love you all. Kiss and hug those you love and let them know how you feel. It's important, trust me. **Wink**
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