(SECOND POST) I Haven't Done This Before But It's Important!

This is actually a blog I did on a different site a few years ago.  It took me many years before I could even write about it but I felt it was an important subject as we are all getting older and cancer, that bastard disease, is taking more and more of those we love and admire.  The letter I speak of I found out is in the custody of my dear Aunt Rose..

This was entitled:  Saying Goodbye To Someone You Love That You Know Is Dying.....


...is probably one of the hardest things you might ever do in your lifetime.  I know this because I went through it with a cousin that was both too young to die (she had pancreatic cancer) and had been my bestest friend for years.

Her father was career Navy and an officer.  They had lived all over the world and many places in this country.  Kath and I stayed close by correspondence.  We did silly things at times.  She once wrote me a long letter, composed over many days, on a roll of toilet paper.  I sent her one on a roll of adding machine tape.  She lived in Japan and I learned about sending letters overseas.  I used thin tissue paper for my letters because we never wrote short letters and you paid for the weight of those letters.  I earned my money babysitting so I tried to be careful with it.  Yes, I was young (about 8) but the oldest child in my family and I took care of the three younger ones.  The neighbors trusted me because I never acted like a child.  I was born old, I think.

When I found out that Kath was dying, I HAD to go visit with her in person.  I loved her dearly.  I had never met her husband or either of her two daughters.  Life just never worked out so that we could get together.  I grabbed the oldest of my two sons and we drove up to SC so I could sit with her and we could catch up and mourn a little if we needed it.

I found a motel near her home and checked in.  I called her to let her know I was in town and we talked for a bit before I finally told her I would be there in 10 minutes.  I gave my son the option of staying there at the motel or coming with me.  He wanted to meet the girls so off we went.

Kath looked much better than I expected but she told me they had her loaded down with medications and one of them contained steroids so she hadn't lost a lot of weight yet.  She was drinking Boost a couple times a day because eating was a problem.  Then we both started to relax and REALLY talk.  We talked about when we were kids and the problems we had.  She talked about going to Ireland with her mother and how much she loved that.  She showed me the pictures she'd taken (and a few her mother had to have taken because Kath was the subject).  We talked about our married lives and decided that men sucked.  She and her husband had become estranged before she was diagnosed with cancer.  

She was sad that they would probably have divorced except for her illness.  I was sad because of how hurt she was over it all.  Her daughters were both teenagers and lovely girls.  They had that gorgeous skin that so many Irish girls have and long, beautiful hair.  With their inherited good looks, my son told me he was sorry they were first cousins.  She loved her daughters and hated the idea that she would never be able to see them being married, having children...all the things we look forward to as we age.  

It wasn't easy to really start talking from our hearts.  We had to kind of remind each other that we thought there was a special bond between us first.  That took small talk and a few laughs inserted here and there.  She told me she was going to be flying out to her dad's home in California because, to her, that was *home* and that was where she wanted to die.  She also wanted to be cremated and her ashes interred next to her dad.

It was hard to leave her.  She didn't want me to come back because she knew she was getting sick and was going to change her plane ticket to leave earlier for California.  She wanted to be home before she weakened and might be too ill to fly.  When we hugged and I kissed her forehead, we both knew it was our last time together and it was sad.  I tried to put on a brave face but I cried like a baby when I got into my car.

When we arrived home, I sat down to write Kath one more letter but found myself unable to put what I was feeling down on paper.  When I knew Kath was *home*, I called to talk to my aunt about Kath's state of health.  My aunt said she thought Kath had used up all her strength trying to act normally and, once she arrived home, she became very ill.  

The Hospice people told my aunt to let her family know they had best make plans to come to see her because they didn't think it would be long.  My aunt was worried that they might not make it.  That inspired me and I finally got to finish my letter.  I ran it right down to the post office and sent it off to my aunt's.

When it got there, two days later, my cousin had lapsed into a coma.  The end was very near and her kids and husband wouldn't get in until late that night.  My aunt said she read my letter to my cousin even though she was in a coma because they say patients can still hear.  In my letter, I urged my cousin to stay strong and wait for her family to get to her side so they could tell her how much she is loved and would be missed.  I actually said a couple times, Hang on, Kath!  Hang on until you can feel their touch one last time.

My aunt was shocked because Kath actually DID get better in anticipation of her family being there.  She came out of her coma long enough to say her goodbyes and to hold her daughters one last time and give them kisses and hugs.  She then fell asleep and walked into the light.

What's weird is that even though I was in Florida at the time, I suddenly KNEW that Kath had died.  I stood up and announced it to my family and then called my aunt.  She was a bit shocked but she told me the news.  I was grateful that she felt my letter had helped.  She said she had heard from other members of the family about my ability to sense when people I loved died but it was still shocking for her to experience it.  I told her it wasn't something I had ever known until my grandfather died.  

I suddenly woke up one morning with this feeling that something was wrong and it involved my grandfather.  That was at 5am (Eastern time).  My sister, Cee, called me shortly after I woke because of the same feeling she had.  We just weren't sure which of our grandfathers it was.  She called one side of the family while I called the other (which is the one I truly felt was involved).  My uncle, who lived nearby and had been called to the house by my grandmother, answered the phone when I called and said to me, *Brat....WHY are you calling?*  I kind of expected that since it was 5am there and I told him, *I called because I felt there was something wrong with Grampa.*  He got very quiet and said, *Grampa died at 4am*.  That was the start of that family fable. 

 But, it IS true that I seem to know but it's only those that I dearly love.  It's like I feel the absence of their spirits in my world.  I try not to think about it.  Oh, and it's not like there was any illnesses involved in a couple.  One was very sudden and unexpected.  That was an uncle (my mother's half-brother) who was only in his 60's and a very active and virile man.

Is it worth making the effort regardless of how painful it may be?  Yes.  Trust me on this.  You think you won't know what to say or you might make some kind of faux pas  but trust your heart if it's someone you love and will miss.  Family and close friends are worth more than gold and that space they occupy in your heart will be there forever.  If someone you love is dying, take the time.  You will never regret it.  Just think how precious it would be to be able to say *I love you* one more time to those that pass suddenly.  So don't miss the chance if you have it.  *End*

I still cry when I remember this.  My feeling that I just HAD to go see her was so urgent that I didn't give the Beast a chance to say yay or nay.  I just packed my bags, got my traveling money and left with just a stop in North Florida to pick up my son.  He is the one that held me while I sobbed after leaving Kath's house.  It was the last time I spoke to her and got to hug her one last time.  Other than my words in my letter.  I have since been afraid to write such letters to those I love that are dying (like my Aunt Rose).  I almost feel like it's a death knell if I send one.  When I said that to my aunt when I saw her last summer, she laughed.  That was when she told me that she had my letter.  Kath's mother had given it to her since she was my godmother and I might actually want it at some future time.

I hope you understand now why I often urge you to tell those you love that you do as often as you can.  It might actually be the last words you get to say to them.  Today is all we have.  Tomorrow is not promised.  I love you all.