It was just one of those days when I was finding myself remembering so much of the past. I remember being so in love when I first got married. So many people warned me about the Beast and I knew he had a temper but it was usually aimed at inanimate objects. Little did I know how easy it could be to turn that to people.
When he started drinking, he became a real animal...vicious and you couldn't talk to him. He felt he knew what everyone was thinking. He imagined all kinds of things and there was no changing his mind. When his strokes happened and he was no longer able to drink (it makes him dizzy and nauseous), I knew there really WAS a god. He got even for us that had been the focus of his anger.
I know in my heart that a lot of this came from the treatment of his family. His mother was weak and didn't even try to shelter him from his dad's anger and meanness. He became just like his father when he drank. But it's no excuse. It's just understanding where his anger came from. He was a successful businessman who got no respect from his family.
He came to be overly nice to MY family. He needed the respect of someone and my family provided that for many years. It just never extended to ME or our kids. No child should be afraid to come home if their father was there and still awake. My kids would sometimes sleep in the bushes outside our home and not come in until they were sure he was in bed, asleep. I didn't find this out for a long time but I can't blame them.
Living through the year that he was recovering was a trial. I had been ready to divorce him at the time. I was gathering all the information about our assets and the company assets when it happened. I had to stay to help him out even though he was a real jerk at the time....to me, of course. I was glad that he had been in a good frame of mind a while prior to this and had apologized to the boys for his tirades about *fooling around with those damn computers won't earn you a dime.* Both boys work in the field and are successful. I think in many ways the Beast's attitude kind of pushed them to prove him wrong.
I have mentioned before that I was surprised at how good he has treated me during all my medical problems. He has kept the house up well, done laundry and made me meals. I have been medically challenged now for almost three years. This last surgery is supposed to be the cure and allow me to finally heal. I sure hope so. I do feel better in many ways except for the damn sciatica. But that will more than likely stop once I am healed. I've been through bouts with it before.
He's different now in most ways. His returning to church is part of the reason. Like my son says, he's an old person trying to get into heaven. What he doesn't realize is that God judges his HEART and his actions in the past. He has a lot to answer for.
I'm no saint but I did try as much as I could. I often stepped between him and the kids and protected them. He blamed me for all that he felt was wrong with them. He took no responsibility and never saw how he terrorized them....and me. I can't begin to tell you how many times I ended up in the emergency room with broken ribs and once broken bones in my face. Why did I put up with it? My Catholic start in life where I was told that *marriage was forever*. I really believed it.
It took forever before I felt that God never meant for me to be abused and would forgive me.
However, his stroke changed everything.
He knows how good I was to him during that time and how I helped him get better. My son often went to the rehab center when the Beast was confined there (until he was better and improving from his disabilities). He was then allowed to come home and just go to rehab every day for treatment. I drove him, picked him up when he was finished, brought him home and helped him with his exercises at home. We still had the Princess at home so I had her to think about, too. But we managed and he was never the same. He could control his temper without being able to drink.
When we moved and were building our home on the other coast, the poor Princess hated it. She made some good friends, however, and they are still friends all these years later.
I am happy that the Princess found someone she loves to marry. They have a cute little boy now (Gunner) as well as Chewlee. Chewlee has gotten in some trouble lately and I think it is because she doesn't feel loved as well as her brother is and needs attention, even if it's BAD attention. But it should work itself out, I hope.
Love you all and I wish you a great week (or what's left of it!). Make some fun plans for the weekend. ***Hugs***
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