Memories Shared ....

Sometimes it is cathartic to share memories that are painful to recall.  My friend, Carol, and I did a bit of that today.  She had a brother and sister that were lost to drugs.  One died from an overdose, the other died just from the affects of long-term drug use.   Both died at early ages.  Her sister was just 46 (overdose); her brother died at 52.  She said her mother lived to bury them both and it broke her heart.  

She also has a son that she was afraid she would lose to drugs.  He developed Hepatitis C and had to give up both drugs and alcohol.  He moved to another area to change his environment and it saved him.  But, like any mother, she worries about backsliding.  He has this one hobby...glass blowing....that is a godsend she believes.  Because he discovered he is talented at it and has created some gorgeous pieces.  She and her husband are looking into the cost of buying him his own furnace or whatever it's called since the place he normally went is closing it's doors.  They had been paying for his sessions and don't want to see him lose the only hobby he has that he has embraced.  I can understand that need.

I have talked from time to time about the loss of our *Golden Child* to drugs.  I really can't talk about it without crying.  She was beautiful...but drugs takes it's toll on your looks.  She was talented...but drugs possess you, especially crack cocaine, which is her addiction.  She does anything she must in order to feed that demon.  She lies, steals or sells her body.  She has refused treatment, even a high class treatment center that her friend's father offered to send her through.  The drugs lost her the only child she ever had.  That's the granddaughter that the Beast and I raised and finally adopted when we knew her mother would never give up the drugs.  She has never seen....and never will.....the wonderful granddaughter that HER daughter had.  She will also never see or get to know the new grandbaby that is coming.  They are MINE.  I would shoot her rather than see her ever get near either of them.  She became evil and, when I finally gave up on her and stopped enabling her when she was younger, it was the only choice I had to make sure she didn't contaminate this family any further.

It's hard for a mother to give up on a child of hers.  I will always have love for the child she was and the adult she could have been but I do NOT love the person that she is now.  It still breaks my heart every time I think about her and the loss she doesn't even know she suffered.  She didn't care then and she doesn't care now.  

When Carol and I were discussing the different ways that the drugs affected our loved ones, we were just a bit surprised at how similar things went with them.  The lies, the stealing, the promises that were never kept.  It made me realize how hard it was even for the Princess to give up on her mother.  She still doesn't talk about some of the things she went through during the short periods of time she lived with her mother.  But then, we took her back and kept her.  We got custody of her and I know the Princess loved her mother and hated what was happening to her.  After a few years, we adopted the Princess.  I really felt we should have done it sooner but we had to make sure the Princess had given up any hope of her mother changing.

Why do I say that these memories can sometimes be cathartic?  It's because I became very glad that she HADN'T infected her siblings.  They may have their own problems, albeit NORMAL ones for the most part, but drugs don't play a part in any of it.  For the first time, my tears weren't shed for hours like they sometimes were.  My heart hurts and, if something happens to her like her dying, I will bleed profusely.  But, for now, I am at peace with my decision back then.  I still mourn the person she might have been.  But I do NOT like the person she still is.  

My granddaughter/daughter is a joy to me and so is Chewlee, HER daughter.  I will love and get to enjoy the son she will soon give birth to.  So there are blessings I should count and be happy.  I am content.

Love you all.  ***Hugs***